Red Sox Offseason Update: John Lackey

Welcome, John Lackey, to the Diasuke Matsuzaka Club.

Your credentials span far and wide, but the only requirement for you to join Dice-K is this - you missing an entire season with the Red Sox is actually a good thing. Some people are saying that it's just another starter we won't have in the rotation, but most of us are saying that we don't have to see you lose double-digit games for another year. Your Tommy John surgery will put you out of commission for the 2012 season, which is probably for the better. Unfortunately, you still suck. Let's look at why:

• First off, you're not good at pitching anymore. In your two seasons with Boston, you're 26-23 with a 5.26 ERA. Seriously? You led the league in ERA in 2007, but with the Red Sox, the best ERA you've had in a month is 3.46 in September of 2010. You had zero months with a sub-4.00 ERA in 2011, and went 0-2 with a 9.13 ERA in September of 2011. Thanks.
• Secondly, you relied ENTIRELY on your offense to win your games. When the offense scored six or more runs, you were 11-1. Cool. When the bats gave you fewer than six runs, you were 1-11. No, really. You gave up 56 earned runs in 71 innings in those 13 games the offense scored 0-5 runs. (Even your ERA when the bats lit up was awful - 5.87?? You're telling me the Red Sox give you 6 runs in 6 trips to the plate, and after you finish the bottom of the 6th, it's a 6-4 game? Thanks.)
• Hm, what's next...*scours baseball-reference* Oh, right. Your salary. You got paid $100,000 per inning pitched this year, are getting paid $15 million to do absolutely nothing next year, and the total salary in those three years ($50 million) is almost double what you made with the Angels in seven years (just over $27 million). Thanks.

So yeah...screw you. You can't pitch, not even when you have the best offense in the league, you are extremely overpaid, and you're ugly. I can't wait until I find a clever demeaning nickname for you so you can join Dice-BB as people I almost hope to never see pitch for the Red Sox again. You know what the best part is though? I didn't even have to mention the beer and chicken in the clubhouse during games. You sucked long before we all heard about that. Go have your Tommy John surgery, take a season off, figure out what it means to win in Boston, and then go be good again.

Once again, major props to baseball-reference. Maybe I should just go work for them for the rest of my life. ...Have I already said this? I feel like I have... (Editor's Note: I first praised it as the greatest baseball site ever, and then upgraded to the greatest website on the face of the earth. So no, I have not already said this.)