Let letting go go

When I was applying to colleges, my application essay was about how I wanted to be like Gregory House. I wanted to know everything, ask all the questions, find all the answers. I even wrote about how I wouldn't stop bothering my friend when he changed his first name from the shorthand version to the full version on Facebook. This necessity to know has long been prevalent - I also recall my AP Psych class and how I wrote down "not knowing" as one of my biggest fears. That could be as small as not knowing the answer to a question on an exam, as medium as not knowing why someone does the things they do (or why someone cares about the things someone else does), or as large as not knowing what happens to us after we die.

I've been proportionately afraid of those things over the course of the past 10+ years, but I'm finally starting to learn to let go. To acknowledge my fear, to acknowledge the uncertainty of a situation, and to let it go, and to come back to my breath and the present moment. It doesn't matter as much to me anymore why people do the things they do, or why people care about the things other people do. (Sometimes it still gets to me, though - nobody's perfect.) It still cares the hell out of me to not know what happens to us after we die, and to conceive of inconceivability, but that's always a passing fear. It leaves as easily as it arrives.

I'm still working on letting go of letting go, and the idea that telling people I'm letting something go still counts for as much. It doesn't. It still counts, sure, but not as much as it would if I simply let go of letting go. I suppose this is the higher-level state of consciousness that comes with years of practice of meditation (I still have a ways to go). In the meantime, I'll continue to be mindful of my reactions and turning them into responses. I'll be mindful of when I do let something go, and I'll be mindful of when I let something sit with me for longer than I want it to. I'll be mindful of letting go of letting go, acknowledging that, and coming back to the breath.

That's all we know we have.

Dear everyone I ever really knew

Thank you for helping me get here. For helping me become the person I am now, and for allowing me the space to become the person I needed to be. Yes, it's unfortunate that I couldn't get here with you still by my side, and sure, there were instances in which I needed to create that space, but I am who I am and you were a big part of that. You still are, whether or not we talk anymore. Rarely do I turn down an opportunity to reflect on what we had, what it meant to me, and, after I came out the other side, how it helped me become a more true version of myself. It doesn't matter if our time lasted one night, one month, or one quarter of a decade. Everything that's ever happened to me has gotten me to this point, including you, and I don't want to (nor will I) shy away from acknowledging that truth. It's important for me to internalize that we won't have anything close to what we did, if anything at all - that's been a struggle for me to come to terms with in some instances - but as I once convinced myself, it's possible to love what you had with someone without loving that person anymore. So thank you for what we had, and thank you for being important to me even without what we had. I wouldn't give it back, because then I wouldn't be me.

That time I was kind of into Christian Rock

I'm Not Alright - Sanctus Real: https://open.spotify.com/track/7JGHawrvcWIl3SqQAJpg1t?si=_0iU_ASmRNuDEJmTzyyjEA

The Way I Feel - 12 Stones: https://open.spotify.com/track/6pd7MGEdSsaXwJblBVML31?si=2V4McJgZSPaChyysGacq9Q

The Stone - Ashes Divide: https://open.spotify.com/track/2TM6fTuwo1ZjMfvFfcFVDA?si=hxz4emDkQ72R6Uc1uAgDpg

Beautiful Things - Gungor: https://open.spotify.com/track/06wxyCQFJOT0bjvSPMQj7x?si=0fdtwWMTSWqnMFH_5HvlHg

You Are - Tenth Avenue North: https://open.spotify.com/track/2oigyp1WR2YjWmAO53QZIv?si=Ufegp1K-TAyLzo9QA31E9g

Untouchable - Luna Halo: https://open.spotify.com/track/4jN00WozLkOiXwNpiM0l7V?si=Zgng1TGiSPCmLPrbdAYqMg

Juner - Polydream: https://open.spotify.com/track/0CqYvXV6tRpxZDSuSinfa9?si=aVsaGXjwS0Km33dGOmboVw

Texting bad, pt. 2

It's amazing how many times Walter does or doesn't almost get pulled over

Dude Tuco is a fucking madman

There's gotta be a YouTube video of every scene Tuco is in and it's gotta be fucking wild

It's tough, because Walter really does care about his family, but he's also a huge asshole and criminal, but also also it's not like he can tell his family what he's doing

I didn't realize Ted (from I.F.T.) came into the picture so early. Literally; Skyler was looking at a picture of him in one of the episodes a couple back

Also is Walt wearing green ever explained? I know Marie wearing purple is a thing but I feel like no one talked about Walter always wearing green

Man the first "that's church yo, for real" from Skinny Pete hits so good

Hank's anxiety really doesn't get explored as much as it could've been

Holy shit Breaking Bad really took it from "one of our three dealers got murdered" to "let's go work with a multi-million dollar corporation" in the same episode

Here's what's good about waiting five years to rewatch - you know Walt misses the birth of his daughter, but you forget that Beneke was there with Skyler and then the camera pans to show him and BOOM

They do a good job of making some of the secondary relationships in S2 seem important in the moment but are really meaningless in the grand scheme

Some of the best shows elevate characters and elevate the plot so well. BB, Mr Robot, Lost all have these plateaus where it stops being all about doing heroin in an apt, or getting off an island

It's probably later than it should've been, but the moment I start really hating Walter is when he lets Jane die. Like yeah he cries and is visibly upset, but he also has that Heisenberg look in his eyes and it's probably the first moment where you're shocked at how far he's let this go

Like even missing the birth of his daughter kind of made sense

The writing and acting in Prison Mike's first scene is incredible. Does an amazing job of getting us to buy in immediately that he's good at what he does

Fuck man the Skyler scene when she leaves after finding out Gretchen and Elliot didn't give a dime and he never saw his mom, I think I'm rooting for the damn bitch now

3x3 Hank's in the bar with Gomey and he spots the druggies. Quick anxiety flash in the bathroom

For all the things Walter did, getting Saul's assistant to help make up Marie being in the hospital might be the coldest

And what a great foil it is that Hank leaves his work to go see her in the hospital, when Walter missed the birth of his daughter for his work

Ah okay in the episode where Hank kills Threeco (the shootout in the parking lot of the supermarket where absolutely no one calls the police (although it did go quickly enough that they reasonably couldn’t get there in time)) also has Hank telling Marie about his anxiety after killing Tuco

Yeah the fly episode is definitely the worst episode. Maybe of any TV show

Yeah the prison Mike half measure story was great

It's a subtle move - possibly not even enough to call it foreshadowing - but the beginning of the song that plays for Gus's final walk, those drum beats appear ever so slightly in some other scenes where you'd think someone was going after someone

But like don't you just want to take a baseball bat to Skyler's head

If it helps, I'd get some satisfaction from throwing Hank off a cliff with all his minerals, too

I do remember saying the first time around that I'm not really rooting for anyone at a certain point, and this is probably it

Yeah the "someone has to protect this family from the man who protects this family" line is lethal

Yeah still totally in disbelief over the hospital with all of Fring's / Mike's / Jesse's blood just in case

Bill Burr and Hewell are an excellent team

Yeah fuck Gus fixing his tie before he falls over and dies

Still love how Skinny Pete is out-of-nowhere a stellar pianist

"and wait...for the cancer to come back" is another fucking lethal line

"there are heists where the guys get away, and there are heists that leave witnesses" Breaking Bad quote that sounds like it could be in GTA

Still unsure if "say my name" or "you're god damn right" is cornier

Like imagine if Hank only had to go number one

Yep it was To'Halijee that's the episode with Hank catching Walter in the desert and the shootout with Todd's family. That's the one that made me want to finish the series in one shot. Ozymandias is the next after that then one more then Felina

Show and tell

I'm writing this blog post after having watched the episode of Black Mirror called Smithereens, and it's important for me to note that to myself the next time I decide to read this - anchoring oneself in your position in time is important.

Do we ever need to unplug from life, man. I fully recognize the irony in writing this on a laptop, while I stream music from my iPhone to my JBL Bluetooth speakers (something I've brought up in the past), but that sort of connectedness isn't precisely what I'm getting at here.

I'm getting at this bullshit idea that social media helps us connect with people, or keep in touch with people, or whatever you want to call it. I'm not sure what the best phrase is. I don't think it does that at all, or at least not well. What do you really know about someone from their social media presence? (Related - why is 'social media presence' even a phrase we care about?) Here's what I ate for dinner tonight. Here's a dog I saw walking around today. Here are some pictures from this thing I did. Here's the music I'm listening to right now. I'm a victim of some of these things (okay, usually only the last one), but the point is that I'm imploring people to engage with (another bullshit buzzword) something I care about. Maybe it's because I don't care all that much about food or dogs (and I'm not calling anyone out directly; these are simply the most readily-available examples), but I cannot fathom why people think I (or anyone else) cares about some dog I don't even know and they don't even know.

And it's not like I think everything I have to say is worthwhile, either. Trust me. I'm sure there are people who could give a shit what sports games I'm going to or what music I'm listening to. Like I said, I'm victim to some of these things, too.

What I'm getting at (and yes, as usual, I've said this in far more words than I've needed to (but what is life if lived concisely?)) is that I don't want you to show me the filtered, fabricated, ideal of what you think your life should be seen as. Frankly, I don't care. I care about what you think about as you lay in bed, wide awake. I care about what upsets you, what makes you feel alive, where you find beauty in this universe. Social media isn't only bad at being an outlet to find out those things about people - it's straight-up poisoning us and turning us into addicts for the instantaneous, fake happiness of scrolling through other people's lives.

And yeah, when I'm done with this post, my natural inclination is going to be to check my phone and go on Instagram, just because it's something to do. I need to make a list of things that are more enjoyable than going on Instagram to see what people I barely talk to are doing on this Friday night. I could start with playing piano, I could go for a walk along the water, hell I could just lay in bed and think.

It's not a perfect analogy to this, because it pertains to quotes, but it's been on my mind ever since I've been thinking about the conversations I want to be having with people.

"I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The end is never the end

Questions to consider about our path and the paths of others with which it crosses...

Do things run their course, or is their course never run?

Does this only happen within a pocket of time, a phase or stage of life, or is everything one unit?

Do people really change, or do they become more true versions of who they were always going to be?

It feels right that things run their course within a phase of life. This goes back to what I've always believed about looking back and understanding how small you were compared to what you are now. I'm not sure I believe people change, although I do think I believe people grow. There are a lot of things I've experienced in my life, a lot of phases/stages, that I've come out the other side of having been a better person who has grown a lot as a result. There's almost always some collateral damage, but that might be what's required of us to grow (this is a good example of something being necessary vs. sufficient - collateral damage is necessary for growth (although I've never truly mastered this idea of necessary vs. sufficient, so who's to say)).

In the universal scheme of life, we've never truly run our full course with ideas or people. We're always evolving, always understanding more, and it's simply in smaller phases/stages of life that mini-courses are run. Checkpoints, if you will. You experience something with someone, that mini-course is run, and you come out the other side having grown as a person, with a little baggage. But our full, universal courses are never run.

Sine curve

I miss going on train-of-thought excursions through my blog. It's a fun exercise that I don't really do anymore, and it might be because some of the passions I had while at Stonehill aren't with me now. I thought about the most important things I learned in college, and read how into the idea of students leading the learning charge I was, and then thought if I actually felt that passionately anymore.

Spoiler alert - I don't. Which is totally okay with me, because I'm not at Stonehill living this out every day. I'm not talking about these ideas with five different people a week, and I'm not blogging about it. One of the first dogmas of how to read college literature that I learned was to always be cognizant of the position in time/history the author is coming from. Particularly relevant in whatever 14th-century Chaucer I may or may not have read for reasons I cannot recall, but I remember the idea being important.

So I think about this idea a little more, and this is totally a thing. Everything that we encounter in our life has a time chart of what it means to us. Ideals we hold to be true, relationships with people, motivations for us getting out of bed in the morning...all of these change over time. (Aside - do we change over time? I've always thought not, but if everything about us is changing, is it possible for us to remain the same in the midst of it?) People we lose touch with, beliefs we have, there are ideal times for us to have those in our lives, and there are less-than-ideal times. That, I believe, is a driving force of why we fall in and out of relationships and struggle (or find it easy) to believe in God. Or even fail to blog as often as much.

So, just a thought. Being at a great place in your life can have many different meanings. It might be because the universe is throwing a fastball down the middle of the plate. Swing away.

One thing

Some Wednesday night thoughts after a ride from Watertown to Quincy spent listening to The Earth Is Not A Cold Dead Place...

Does there exist this idea that people hold one thing in such high a light that no one else can break the connection between any given person and their one thing? I'm trying to think of a better word than 'thing' but it really could be anything.

I don't mean the connection between two people. Such connections can certainly be strong, but also broken. These are also shared among two people. What I'm hoping to find holds true for an individual person, and their relationship with this one thing cannot be altered by another person.

For me, and if you've read any decent number of my blog posts (or know anything about me), it's the connection I have with The Earth Is Not A Cold Dead Place. It's gotten to the point where I'm past thinking I need to link to previous blog posts to show how much that album means to me, and that's saying a lot.

It's more than a musical connection. Sure, I know what notes to expect and I could probably hum my way through the entire album without listening to it. But it's not about that. The 43 minutes I spend listening to that album are 43 minutes where I feel grounded, and feel my place in the universe, however small it may be.

My best guess is that for a majority of people, this 'one thing' is likely their religion. Their belief in a capital-g God (or another religion's applicable equivalent) isn't something that will be changed by another person. This connection is something that you'll always have with you, almost like it's riding shotgun to your entire life - sometimes dormant, other times incredibly prevalent and relevant.

I'm not done with this idea. As an aside, I should really start keeping track of these personal-life principles I seem to be collecting. In fact, I might have already tried that idea...I would say that this blog post is as close as I've come to doing so. (For the record, the second principle in that blog post is now called the Face Value Theory, where after about two years we really see what the true (face) value of someone really is.)

Only because of the song title, here's "One Thing" by Finger Eleven. Thanks for reading.

Welcome home, Mr. Cobb

Yeah, Inception is definitely one of my favorite movies. I just finished watching it for maybe the ninth or tenth time, who knows at this point, and every time I watch it, I learn something new.

This time around, it was a number of little things - the attention given to time between dream levels, for example. The turn of the van signifying a change in the gravity of the hotel level, and an intentional amount of attention given to that turn of the van.

As much as reality is taken into question with the spinning of the top, Mal offers an interesting possibility that the police and corporations chasing Cobb around (in the real-life level) are just projections attacking the dreamer.

This is one of those movies where you can't just Google a simple answer - you'll have to make the decision for yourself, which I think is one of the fascinating aspects of this movie.

Speaking of totems, consider Cobb's (which is actually Mal's). A spinning top that does one of two things - continues to spin if Cobb is in a dream, or falls down if he is in his reality. An object representing binary truth, not unlike the coin that Harvey Dent uses in The Dark Knight. The difference here is that Cobb uses the totem to guide his interpretation of his world - Dent uses his coin to continue living in his.

I searched for all the posts I've written about Inception, and a couple have been about the movie directly, and some have simply mentioned the movie. One of those mentions is in a running diary of The Earth Is Not A Cold Dead Place, which I've always seemed to do in the final week of August - previously coinciding with the start of another school year at Stonehill. Interestingly enough, it's almost the last week of August...

This is all we get

So I just read an article on Arian Foster, Houston Texans running back, and his lack of faith. It's interesting that in those three words, lack of faith, all of these preconceived notions come into play. And you might have absolutely no idea who Arian Foster is. It's an important article, and one worth reading. Here's a link to it.

I'm a big fan of the idea that this is all we get, this life. To me, the question of anything existing after us, or anything having existed before us, doesn't matter. It's a conversation I'm willing to have with anyone, because I love hearing about others' beliefs on these sorts of things, but to me, that conversation isn't going to change how I live my life, or how you live yours. To pull a line from one of my favorite episodes of House, "Three Stories," "I find it more comforting to believe that this simply isn't a test."

There's a video with some great scenes from House that deals with religion, but it seems to have been deleted since I last watched it. So, here's a consolation video. House is an atheist, if you didn't know, and for the record, I'm listening to a band called This Will Destroy You, the members of which are anti-theist. It's just interesting, all of these facts. This is all we get.