The first lasts

Well, I finally realized that time is running out for me at Stonehill. In principle, time was running out for me from the day I first arrived, 42 months ago, but I obviously didn't think about it for a long time. Even during senior year, I haven't though about it a lot, but with my intramural basketball career officially over as of last night, and my basketball broadcasting career likely over tonight, those are some things that I actually realize I won't have anymore.

Intramural basketball might be the most fun intramural I've played. Freshman year, we had it in Merkert, because that was the year that the Sports Complex was thisclose to collapsing upon itself. Sophomore year, we made the playoffs (with what I'm pretty sure was a 2-3 regular season record), and was my only playoff appearance in my first three years of IM sports. Not really sure what happened junior year, maybe an off year or something. We made the playoffs this year and lost in the quarterfinals last night, but it was still great to be able to play with the same guys for all four years, the team I started with in O'Hara freshman year. AND I ended up with 48 points in six games, a lifetime-best 8.0 points per game. Not to mention the two final games of my IM basketball career were both double-digit scoring affairs. Pretty awesome.

And later tonight, I'll call my last men's basketball game of my Stonehill career. The women play in the conference quarterfinals on Sunday, but I'll have my internship, so I won't be at the game, never mind broadcasting it. Depending on how they do, they might not host in the next round, were they to make it. So this could be the last time I go to Merkert for a college basketball game while I'm a Stonehill student. College basketball is one of my favorite things ever, and I wish that there were many, many other people at Stonehill who shared this sentiment and went to as many games as possible. I wish we had a great atmosphere at games, even if we're a small, Division II school. But between broadcasting basketball and intramural basketball, those might be the only extracurriculars that I've done for all four years. And tomorrow, they're both gone. Which is weird, but I know that I can look back on those four years, on this post, and remember that I'm incredibly happy to have done those things.

10 sentences with pretext

It's rare that I do a blog post and don't post it to Facebook or Twitter. So, if you're reading this, you've done a little navigating on your own, so you can consider this some kind of reward or something.

1. Today started out as a Bon Iver kind of day (specifically this), but now it's an Explosions in the Sky kind of day.

2.  The days when you don't want to show your face to the world are the ones that you really have to make an effort to do it anyway.

3. People think I'm good at hiding things, but really, I just don't know what to show them.

4. I still have no idea how I got a cut on my forehead, but it will go away, as cuts do. As everything does.

5. I can't decide if this is actually pretext or if it's subtext. Maybe it's some kind of proxy for pretext, that would be convoluted.

6. Dave Matthews is perfect music for when you're feeling pretext-y.

7. I wish I could still play "Cristofori's Dream" on piano. I used to know it and loved playing it, but then I went a long time without playing it.

8. I wish I cared more about being good at actual piano and not just playing along to my iPod.

9. The whole point of pretext is to hide what's really going on. Everyone has something going on.

10. I wish I could go back to Vermont.

Life is like Ocean

In the first couple years of me blogging, I think that I developed a skill of talking about things without actually talking about them. Unfortunately, I think that skill has slowly been fading away over time. I wonder if it correlates to any one thing in particular, but I think that there's a new kind of blog post that I'm falling in love with. It's the kind of post where I just throw down scattered thoughts in this space and call it a day. I did it at the end of the summer in which the Olympics happened, and more recently, at the end of this past semester, my penultimate at Stonehill. It's a kind of style that always, without fail, makes me think that I'm writing similar to how Explosions in the Sky writes about their albums on their website. Just thoughts leading into each other. Here's one of those posts, with a little bit of added meaning.

One album that I've been going back to every now and then is Tin Shed Tales, an acoustic set by John Butler. There's one conversation he has with himself/to the audience that results in him talking about evolution, and there's one thing he says before he plays his next song that I will probably never forget. "There's no point in having children if you don't have hope." I'm not sure if I want to have kids, and I'm not sure if I have hope, but that's not to say that I don't want to have kids or have no hope. I'm not saying at all where I stand on that, but I am saying that I completely agree with that sentence.

Another thing that I've been thinking about is reinforcement. It's simultaneously fascinating and horrifying how powerful reinforcement is. A laugh here, a body-language seal-of-approval there...little things that I guarantee people don't think about can go an incredibly long way. It is literally awesome - I am in awe of the power of reinforcements, and not always in the good way.

I've been giving a lot of love for the term "value," too, specifically that to which we place value. We place a ton of value on the culture of professional football. We tweet about a huge hit that sends a player out of a game, and then we go watch that play several times on YouTube. We attack players who sit out because they don't want to risk further injury. We place so much value on players who are willing to injure themselves for their team. Think about what that means for players. There are so many implications that come with where you place value, and this is another thing that people don't think about. Again, something that I'm not always glad to be in awe of. If I had a blog post about exclusively this, it would have been called "Value Game."

Earlier tonight, I was thinking about the song "Ocean" by John Butler. He also plays this song on Tin Shed Tales, and is the last song he plays. And it too comes with some words before it, and John Butler says that "Ocean" isn't done, it's not finished, and it's probably not ever going to be finished. I've thought recently about the phrase "figuring yourself out" and how I've always believed that there needs to be time and space for people to figure themselves out. And I thought to myself, that's what we do with our lives. We spend all of it figuring ourselves out. We're never finished figuring ourselves out. I don't think we ever can be. I'm not sure for how long I'd want to live if I thought we were done figuring ourselves out, if we even could be. So, life is like "Ocean."

"It kinda says all the things that I want to say about kinda everything, if I had to explain how I felt about everything, about myself, about you, about all the things that are going on in this world today, and all the things that I can't possibly even put into words, the infinite, wondrous universe that we live in, all its complexities, and all the things I don't understand, I wouldn't use any words, because I don't think words really suffice. I'd play you this song."

Texting bad

During the seven weeks it took me to watch Breaking Bad, I would text one of my friends (who was a few seasons ahead of me) as I watched. Seems important enough for me to actually have some semblance of these together, so I went through said texts and picked out the favorites that I had sent. Here they are. Again, severe spoiler alerts for Breaking Bad, and important-enough spoiler alerts for Dexter.

So in one episode we’re supposed to believe that Walter White goes from geek to playa? This might be the only TV series that could have ended after one episode and it would have made sense

He also just started off episode two by doing his wife in the rear

It’s well-written, I just keep seeing things that I’ve already seen, like when he says he’ll go to a sweat lodge for spiritual healing and then steals methylamine or whatever

Hank is a good foil for Walt, but no one is better than House/Wilson. Even their blood types are foils

I almost hate Skyler as much as I hate Kate from Lost and that’s HARD to make happen

The bell is a brilliant write-in

The two people who let Tuco bleed out until HANK THE TANK comes in and fucking kills him

Also did Wally really just break out of a hospital and in to his own house? This guy is better than I thought

I also bet the pink bear intermittently happens until it all makes sense at the season finale

I’m also getting tired of seeing AAron Paul and other elements in people’s names

Yeah, it’s a little more playful in Dexter though like he whispers to his son “I’m a killer” and shit

Midway through 3x02. Tito is the guy ringing the bell, Threeco are the two brothers that went to see Tito. Tuco was one man, Threeco are two

I figured, once they burned a truck full of dead people

How much of the show will I miss if I mute every scene that Skyler is in

That’s bullshit how do 20 rounds go off in a supermarket parking lot, where someone RUNS AWAY CLEAN and NO ONE CALLS THE POLICE

Walt is gonna ironically find a way to pay for Hank’s treatment isn’t he, and the plot thickens

The half measure story might end up being my favorite scene of the series

I love fugue state Pinkman

“I’m sorry…I’m sorry I put you through all of this……how does that sound” HAH

It was fantastic. Incredibly telling line. What did I say was my favorite scene of the series?

I dunno, I think Walt kinda likes being a huge criminal

Alright I concede, the whole “someone needs to protect this family from the man who protects this family” was a good line

Looks like there’s no more hermano

Like the guy who had his blood in a fridge in Mexico just in case doesn’t prepare for inspection on his property?

I’m waiting for someone to commit suicide in the moment, like when Pinkman had the gun to Walt’s head

This show is good at making you think something is going to happen, someone will die or something but then it doesn’t happen

Wait, Gus seriously fixed his tie before he fell to the ground in his death? That’s stupid, that was terribly done

The music when Gus was walking to the old folks’ home was epic. Better be on the soundtrack

Also loved Skinny Pete’s savant piano playing and sudden keenness for business transactions

Can’t decide if the cold open to “Say My Name” is the most badass or corny thing ever

This show has been great at the cold opens, previewing something further down the line (52 with the eggs and bacon for example)

Also the music during Hank’s car ride after he found out, I LOVE when shows and movies use one note to show the character is losing focus, like an ears ringing kinda thing

Also I don’t trust Todd at all, just a general up-to-no-gooder. Then again who isn’t in this show

Re: Walter’s confession video…I want him to have an actual, real moment where he has absolutely no agenda besides being real and true to himself

Hank just arrested Walter and 0% of me believes this situation is resolved

Oh great and now he tells Jesse that he watched Jane die, right before he’s gonna get Pinkman killed. I might actually hate him more than Skyler

I wonder how many times someone has said “I need you to trust me” and has deserved zero trust

He did have a brief pure moment after Skyler took a knife to him and said we’re family, and then took his daughter and ran off. And then just said “family or no” meaning he’ll kill literally anyone at this point. He’s only real to himself and apparently his daughter

Apparently not even his daughter #firetruck 

BADASS ending to the penultimate, incorporating the theme song. When it all comes down to it, Walter is Heisenberg. Time to running diary the finale

Breaking Bad series finale running diary

Well, everyone’s been talking about Breaking Bad like it’s the best show ever, and I’m sure the series finale has something to do with that. So, I figured I would give it a running diary as I watch the final episode in the series. Spoiler alerts galore, and I’m even going to throw out a caveat that there are Dexter spoilers that will probably happen, because I’ve seen similarities between the two shows since I first started Breaking Bad. I’ll assume that anyone reading this has already seen the finale and entire show, so if you ever go back to it, check this out again. I’m sure I’ll rewatch the finale at some point in time, so it’ll be cool to have this as a reference. Without further ado…

3:30 This show has always been great with its music, especially using very upbeat, lighthearted music when that’s the last thing we expect to be playing. (Like during any of Walter and Jesse’s cooks.)

5:50 Walter’s totally gonna kill Elliot and Gretchen Schwartz. He’s probably gonna kill everyone. In all seriousness though, I’ve almost been waiting this entire series for someone to commit suicide in the heat of the moment, in some grand, ultimate panic that leaves whatever character with seemingly no way out. Hasn’t happened, and I’m saying it now in case it happens in the next 49 minutes.

11:15 So…he’s gonna kill them by drowning them in all of the wads of cash? Guess I was wrong on the him murdering them part.

13:00 It’s been pretty obvious this entire series that the presiding theme is family, and it’s been pretty obvious that Walter has done anything he can to protect his family, does everything for his family. But at times it just seems as though he’s so far detached from that idea, or even so far invested in the idea, that there is absolutely nothing he can do for his family.

14:35 NOPE HE’S GONNA DO IT I totally thought he was turning on the classical music or something like that but he’s totally got two people ready to kill Elliot and Gretchen whenever they feel like it. See this kind exactly my point though, Walter is doing so much for his family that he’s effectively doing nothing for his family because he’s throwing everything away in the process.

17:08 HAH maybe I should stop trying to understand what’s happening and just let it happen, especially because Badger and Skinny Pete are the two biggest wild cards in the history of wild cards.

21:12 I’m digging the flashbacks to some of the first episodes of the series. It’s simple, but it gets so much done in terms of showing us how far the series (and characters) progressed.

25:27 IT’S THE RICIN! That was the most intentional shot of a mug of tea that I’ve ever seen in my life, especially coming after we were just watching Walter retrieve it from his home.

32:48 Walter’s definitely tying up the remaining loose ends of his life. Similar to Dexter……WAIT Walter just said he did all of this for himself. Took him long enough…I’m not sure what’s up with his crazy eye right now but this might be one of the few moments where Walter has some semblance of a heart and is displaying real emotion. If you haven’t read it, read my previous post, about pretty much exactly this realness that Walter has lacked.

41:20 I hate Todd’s stupid family. I don’t think I have to elaborate too much on this, but they’re by far my least favorite people ever.

42:44 I think this is going to end with one of the main characters (one of the ones we like, at least) dying.

45:13 HOLY.

46:15 Yeah HELL YEAH Pinkman. This music is great right here.

52:52 Wait, seriously, he’s going to cook? After all this? Oh, no, the police are coming, that makes more sense.

53:41 Hm. This seems much closer to the ending of Lost than Dexter. I’m not sure how I feel about it. I almost wish there was more resolve to this, I mean I know he murdered everyone he needed to, and to some extent made amends with those he needed to make amends with, but I dunno. Obviously no one thought it was important enough for us to find out what happens to everyone else who’s still alive, although even that seems pretty resolved. I’m not sure. Maybe I just need more time to process it. Hell of a show though. 

Human qualities

In a bit of a continuation from my most recent, non-Lost-related post, I talked about Dzhokar Tsarnaev and the death penalty, and hard things to talk about like that. If you haven't read it, I think it's worth your time, especially because this post has a lot to do with an idea regarding that. I was reading quotes from defense lawyers on why they defend these people, people that so many want dead and destroyed, and there was one reason, one quote that stuck with me, that I think will stick with me forever. "We are each more than the worst thing we have ever done." It's true, and brings up a couple of questions, at least for me. Are we each less than the best thing we have ever done? What about the worst three things we have ever done, are we more than that? The question that I've thought most about is why it's so hard to be open about the worst thing you have ever done. It's done, it's in the past. If it's the worst thing you've ever done, then literally everything else you've done is better than it. So why keep it closed within you?

What is the worst thing you have ever done?

I don't want you to tell me. I don't want you to tell me because I don't want to tell you what the worst thing I have ever done is. The number of people that I am comfortable talking about this to is incredibly low. And I'm only doing it here because I know I can get away with being coy, that I can hide behind this mask of a computer screen. I know what the worst thing I have ever done is, or at least I know the sequence of events that led me to the worst thing I have ever done. There's no way to wrap it nicely in a poetic sentence, there's no way to attach a greater, secret meaning to it. What happened, happened.

I think that there's value in being real. I don't mean the being-true-to-yourself, throw-pillow-quote-material stuff. I mean fucking real. I mean open yourself up, let-the-universe-beat-the-crap-out-of-you real. That's nirvana, if you want to follow the lead of the Buddhists, to be aware of a moment in which you're perfectly real to yourself and to the universe. To hell with God and being judged and sin and whatever else is in that basket. Believe it if you want, I'm not saying you're wrong, but there's value in looking in the mirror and knowing where you stand with yourself and knowing what kind of person you are. And we don't do that, because we're afraid to look in the mirror sometimes. We're afraid of who we are and how we got there, but all of that's in the past.

Look in the mirror today. Spend three minutes, five minutes, just staring at yourself, looking at who you are and thinking about what kind of person you are. Then spend some time and think about what kind of person you want to be. What kind of person you want to choose to be. Go do it.

Top 5 moments in LOST

There are times when I think that I might actually know Lost better than I do House. Maybe I'm just kidding myself into believing that I know House the best because I love it to no end, but when I watched Lost for the second time (in full), I almost knew everything that was going to happen - it was one of those shows where you're not going to forget much about the most important moments, and that's what this is right here. My top five most badass moments in Lost. Not necessarily most crucial to the show's development, not my favorite scenes, but the ones that left me pulling the covers a little more over my head when I went to bed that night. The scenes that left me (and many others) discussing them for hours in school the next day. Here we go:

(As usual, many spoilers here.)

5. "You guys got any milk?"
If Lost were somehow transformed into a rap battle (I'm thinking something along the lines of Wild 'n Out, or whatever that show really was), this scene would send all the Henry Gale (later known as Ben Linus, because, well, that was his name) supporters into a crazed frenzy. Unfortunately for Ben, I'm not sure he had any at this point in the show. Retrospectively, this was a total badass move by letting Jack and Locke in on his possible secret of luring some Losties into the forest to kidnap them. One of my favorite dynamics of the show was between Ben/Henry and Locke, and there was no better scene to say "hey, this guy means business" than this one.

4. "Red Sox fans have longed to hear it..."
Okay, so maybe this wasn't badass, but it was still one of the most memorable moments in the show. Absolute power move by the writers to find a way to get this in the show. Out of all the jokes they could make with literally anything, they went with the damned Red Sox never winning the World Series, and then they won it. And then Ben tormented Jack with a video of the last out. Power moves all around, except for Jack, who just received a huge "screw you" from the person whom he had hostage not long before.

3. "I was wrong."
It's not a coincidence that four of these five scenes will have been from Seasons Two and Three, because that's when the show was really diving into these characters. (It was also the only time the show was actually good.) The general trajectory of meaning in this show went from "let's decide to push or not push a button for reasons unbeknownst to us" to "this is secretly about good and evil and has been the entire time." The former was still a great conversation to be had, and there are a handful of amazing scenes that I could have pulled out for this one. But it all came together here, during arguably the best season finale (Season Two).

2. The blast door map
I really wanted to give this the top spot in my top five moments, but it can't beat out the greatest conversation in the entire series. What honor this scene does have lies in the fact that every single person went to bed that night with this blast door map in their dreams. This would have put me in 8th grade back in the day, back when evil doors and blacklight paint were totally viable reasons to not be able to sleep. This was done tremendously by the writers as well, because we were experiencing this at the same time that Locke was, an awesome technique that Lost seemed to rely on. We often knew just as much as the characters did (which was usually nothing), and because of that, their emotional experiences during events were only fueling our own as viewers. No better scene to capture that than this one.

1. "Always nice talking to you, Jacob."
If there was anything about Season Five that was good, it was this scene in the season finale. Watching this scene before and after the show was over were completely different experiences. After you've seen Season Six, you know that this is about good and evil, and Jacob and the Man in Black are the two representatives, respectively, and after we've spent the entire sixth season watching a war waged between these two, we return to this scene and realize that they're both probably right. Watching this for the first time though, you're experiencing it something along the lines of "OH MY GOD THAT'S JACOB FINALLY HE EXISTS WHO'S THAT OTHER GUY WHY DOES HE WANT TO KILL HIM WHY IS THE FOUR-TOED STATUE THERE WHAT SHIP IS THAT OH MY GOD" and then nothing else really matters at that point in your life. (Unless that was just me.) In classic Lost fashion, a question (is Jacob even real?) is answered (yes) with several other questions (why is everything we thought we knew now destroyed?). Huge props to Michael Giacchino and the music in this scene. Absolutely adds to the dramatic effect and how badass this scene is, and more relevantly, how important this scene was to the show. If you look up any decently-written list of Lost moments, you'll find this scene on there in some capacity.